Lab. Friend. Worries.

I'm starting research credits this semester. Really quite exciting, I will be working on bioactive polymers.

But, will I do a good job? Am I able to find the time for my regular classes and this extra, challenging opportunity.

I hope so.

I have one friend right now. Lea. It's nice to have someone to talk to. She's been really kind listening to me, dealing with me, sitting by me in class, and putting up with me when I don't show up for things.

I have friends...but no close friends.

I should be studying.

There once was a boy, a smiling boy...

...and with each smile, the world became such a place where all souls who looked upon his radiant warmth knew love and happiness and euphoria.

They, too, smiled like the smiling boy.

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I believe that the most beautiful man in the world has found me. Just his very smile, the brightness in his eyes, moves my soul farther than any other experience, moreso than the morning sunrise at Mt. Fuji, the smell of Jasmine tea; moreso than any other man.

I do not know him beyond a few lines from a chatroom. So, we are not connected in any way beyond the smile from his picture. Whether he has an equally beautiful personality is yet to be seen.

But, for now, I'm smiling much like the smiling boy.

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The survey says:

You're an INTJ

You are a strong individualist who seeks out new angles or novel ways of lookingat things...enjoy coming to new understandings...insightful and mentallyquick...but this quickness is not always obvious to others since you keep a lotto yourself...you're logical and analytical and ingenious.. You are very determined and trust your vision of the possibilities, regardlessof what other people think...you are VERY independent...you are quiet yetfirm....You're a damn perfectionist!! Appear serious and reserved... might be labelled "brains" by others...youprobably do/did well in school because you set internal goals for yourself..being sociable just isn't worth your time and energy...unless there's a purposefor you...you don't like bureaucracy icky because you have to fit into otherpeople's systems and not your own... You might be frugal unless the money is spent on something you value (likeeducation or a Storm Palace subscription)...you learn best when you can designyour own approach...you have a thirst for knowledge..you probably enjoylectures, libraries, courses and so on... You are highly independent, and continue on with your plans even in the face ofdata that might suggest to others that it's no longer feasible... independentindividualist....surprised when others don't see your visions the same clearway you do...a job well done doesn't need comment, it speaks for itself...youlike decisive and intellectual people... Man! You're one hell of a relentless organizer! ....tough-minded... once youmake your mind up to do something, nothing can stop you.... even your leisureis planned, regualar and disciplined....you tend to avoid fads...you tend tochoose partners in your love life who have an outward zest....you keep youraffections private, and don't always share 'em with your partner.. You can be intense in your love...generous with gifts if it fits into the idealthe way love should be...when scorned, you retreat into your own world and mayshare none of your hurt feelings with anyone...you look for the "right" way toend a relationship... Things to watch for: let go of impractical ideas....don't get so tied up infuture thoughts that you ignore the present; you could be surprised... don'tignore the impact of your style on others..not everyone functions the way youdo....you might criticize anyone who doesn't match up to how you think theyshould be...don't become obsessed with unimportant details...demanding...critical... INTJ: "It's Not Thoroughly Justified"

December desu.

It's already December. The semester officially ended on Friday with a math exam.

I really fucked things up this semester. Some A's, a B, a D, and an F.

I wish I didn't suffer from depression and have to sleep all of the time. It really makes getting all of the work, the studying and assignments, done pretty much impossible. If I only still had late drop credits I could have dropped something and focused what little energy I had on a few things -- so to do them well.

Life keeps going and I've signed up for the two failure courses next semester.

So, I'll graduate later..5 1/2 years after beginning the college adventure.

If college is a place to realize yourself, then I realize that I have depression issues that I can't resolve through simply saying and thinking "I WANT TO FEEL GOOD."

At least I feel better now and am not sleeping as much. A bit too late to fix the damage. Who knows when I'll start to feel exhausted again...

Things are going.

I quit my job at wal-mart.
I don't have time to work.
Because I am failing my courses.
I can't graduate this spring. Nor this summer. But surely this next fall.
I wonder how my dad will react?

I don't know.
Physics exam tomorrow. HW due. Reading to do.
I am forgetful. And, I read slowly. Dumb. Yes.

Or, so that's how I feel anymore.

But, I must do this. Write more later.

Waaaah. Stress.

The fist week of classes are over. I am clearly behind. I don't understand the Chemistry and Math courses. This is not good.

I suck.

I am really stressed, really scared of how this semester will go. I know that I should be studying right now...

I just had an iron fall on me from the top shelf of the closet. I am too clumsy.

Sad.

Car Bed's don't go Vrooom.

Have you ever slept in a car? I never have until yesterday. I got home and wasn't sure if anyone was here. So, I went back to my car to get my cell phone and figured that I might as well take a nap. Everyone was going to be out bowling, or so I thought. I woke up around 5am and realized that I slept a rather long time. I checked the door and still it was locked. As everyone would be still sleeping, I returned to my car and slept 2 more hours. Around this time people would be out for early morning walks, so I decided to head off to Wal-Mart, Wegmans, and Target for some early morning shopping.

Things I have learned:
If you live in you car, you car will smell unpleasent.
You can sleep in he front of a car across two seats without being on the seat belt portion, brake, or the stick if you are careful in positioning.
I am not good at keeping promises made to myself. 彼を少しキスしてしまった。Ooops.

Now, I need a shower.

Good times...then real life.

So Jeff and Mike are really great people. Not only are they allowing me to stay here, he is offering me things that he buys, food, etc. and personal space. His boyfriend will return from Argentina tomorrow morning and he says he will talk to him about my keeping his room until I move out. Even if I don't, sleeping on their luxury couch won't be at all bad. In fact, it is more cushioned than the beds at my last apartment complex.

I want to be rich enough.

Today was another 11 hour shift in the corn fields bagging ears and helping record the mutant scoring. I won't be going to the field tomorrow ... Although I could tell that my boss really wanted me to go. I know that they have a lot to do. If I work 11 hrs in one day, I only gross 77 bucks. That's sad. 77 dollars! If I worked a solid 24 hours, I'd only gross $168 bucks. My father, who makes over 23 an hour, would gross $552. That's 3.3 times as much money! For every hundred I make I probably lose 35 in taxes.

I want an income that will allow me live comfortably.

Anyways, we played a card game: Dilbert. It was fun and with MAMA's (gay mans nickname) help I did fine. When on my own, I lost my luck and became the "asshole" or loser in the card game. Everyone was really nice in explaining how to play. I've never played card games before.

Additionally, I found out the someone I met in the past and never really but almost dated didn't move alway like he said he was going to for his PhD program. At least it seems that way. Shady. I was pretty dumb in the past in how I "fell" for guys. But what can you expect when you are 19 and 20 and searching for that "perfect" love. I wanted for the next guy to be my dream guy. I know, I was rushing things. I was so insecure that noone could like me ..and maybe still am insecure about that. Not sure if things will go anywhere with Liou...he could become the best friend that I never had.

School is a more important issue. I need to focus on academics and stop working so much. I promised myself that I would review Math and Chem and Physics and Japanese. 64 hour work weeks consume so much energy that little is left for anything else than showering and sleeping and eating. I know, I'm young. Back to the gym tomorrow...I promise. Energy up. Fiber up. Protein up. Calories down. Maybe. Yay.

To Do List:
x Finish Chemistry Major entry form.
x Find out about work-study, in Chemistry.
x Find out about SciTech Grant.
x Review schedule courses.
x Decide who's taking the electric bill for the apartment.
x Apply for Nambu Foundation Scholarship, JET, and Peace Corps.
x Consider Grad Schools and exam.