Citibank. Bank city. Soul bank.

Citibank's The Student Loan Corporation owns 3800 dollars of my soul.
Some car guy owns another 14000 dollars of my soul.
And other people, yeh, they have my future fortune, too.

It's almost funny about the amount of debt that I am in.

Swimming in debt.

Anyway, I finally got my room put back together after the painters left. They broke the light socket plate. Oh, well. I am realizing insignificant things happen. OR things that you shouldn't worry too much over. But, I still do. I still have to deal with my サイテーション. I still can't believe how that happened...how all of the choices that I made that night took me to the other side of State College. I need more confidence....when doing things in life. I panic too quickly.

But, how do I find or develop confidence. I have realized my passiveness, my inability to assert myself for a long time now. Simply wanting to transform, trying to transform, hasn't reshaped my core. I'm stuck as myself.

I just dunno.

Off to the gym, work, and then back for hw.

Oh, I guess I might be staying with Jeff for some time between leases. I dunno how that is going to work out...but I hope okay. I have to figure out how much to pay him.

Out.

Grrr....

I cannot believe whats happening in my life. But I have to think about this in the best light possible. Or, I will be consumed by thoughts, depressing thoughts.

I just wish I knew how to handle this...how to do it well.

Blurb2

I dont get this reaction. I dont understand this Japanese. And I have no chance with sono otoko.

I'm sad.

Blurb1

I'm out of it right now. I don't think I can do this. Dad wants me to stay here. I want my 3 weeks of summer. I'm stressed out. Sleepy. Unhappy. Lonely. Fat.

Ugh. Nap.

Bae Yon Jun 4 Ever!

They call him Yon-sama. My host mother would so make out with him.

But, not I. He's not that sexy.

Lyrics from some song on the radio:

Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused...

Remember those shake'n'bake commercials:

The little girl, "It's shake and bake and I helped."
Well, it's mix and heat and filter...and I made Aspirin.

Now, who wants to try it out?

You sexy b*tc#3s.

Force of Attraction: When you see someone whose appearance causes your internal organs to shift, your heartrate to increase, your train of thought to derail, and your motorfuctions to malfunction.

Jealousy: A strong eagerness to interject oneself as an option; a heavy, pulling feeling.

This is how things go...

I'm stressed out. I'm binge eating. I'm not sleeping well. I feel sick to my stomach.

忙しい日: Work, Work, HW

So, this morning was work at the corn field. 2 1/2 hours of weeding and 1 or so hours of counting and marking leaf development. To do both, you need to bend over at times. The result of this bending over in the sunlight is a sunburn across my bum. The evidence is where the exposed skin below my shirt and above my pants did not cover; it is now a tender red band starkly contrasting against very white skin.

After that, Xianting (boss while the boss is away) took us out to eat at the Chinese Kitchen. The soup was awesome, though I did not really want the chicken. I'm jealous of her amazing Chinese...of course, she is from China so it is perfect. *Jealous*

I need to email my advisor for Japanese about graduation and Chemistry about the double major. My car loan came through, so let's see how this goes.

From 4-8, I worked at Wal-Mart. There are some new people. The hot case was busy as too many people love bbq boneless chicken wings...which are made from chicken breast and breading and some unlabeled bbq sauce and whatever else they add.

Now, I'm home. I have hw. I want to sleep. Nap, you know. But, I have to write about liquid/liquid extractions and start the nitration prelab.

すごく眠いジェーソンです。

Anything over 10 percent.

According to this one article, body fat over 10 percent prevents you from seeing your abs. Something close to that is my problem. Additionally, that fat binds to organs and raises proteins that cause inflammation. The suggested steps: work out more muscles, eat healthy snacks for constant blood sugar, and run hard at first during cardio. Check on the first. I need to really work on my eating habits, eating way late at night. If I didn't love chewy bread or cheeses or nuts, it would be easier. Lastly, I haven't really worked in cardio. I get embarrassed if I run outside around people. When I work out, my Irish skin turns beet red. I was doing sit-ups with this one girl from CAS100 some a previous semester. She says, "Are you remembering to breath? Elvis died of not breathing while trying to go to the restroom." Do I look like Elvis? No. Am I trying to defecate? No. Anyway, my car is dead so I don't have the freedom to get to the gym as much. And, Wal-Mart has failed to change my schedule so I have to work after class. 10 percent, huh? My brother called this "skinny-fat-guy."

What if gay people were over 10 percent. At least the cool out ones. What would they cover over...a lot of homophobia, maybe.

The sign says...

I get weird when I talk to new people online. Weird as in I feel like I'm trying to talk to so-and-so and get too easily annoyed when that person doesn't have time. I want to share little boring things and big thoughts. I feel like this: Will wait to chat; Waiting to chat; Waited to chat. Anyway, it's dumb that I'm even thinking about this.

This is linked to a larger issue. It is not easy to change. How about having a lack of focus on school work and minimal motivation to study beyond what is required? I've been plagued with that since Freshman year. Over a hundred times, I've told myself that I will pull things together...and still haven't managed to do it. Is it that we are simply who we are?

This guy asked for help in seafood, "the sign says to ask someone over here." Nearly his words. I wasn't quite paying attention, rather following the folds in his green shirt against his tan skin connected to dark hair and deep eyes. His facial expression was blank as he anticipated an answer. I just looked at him for a few fractions of a second, then asked if someone was around that could help. Someone was paged and he returned to the items he desired. Why can't I be what he wants?, I thought and laughed inside. He was 1 of 3 sexy Asian guys that I took notice of that night. Nothing new about that habit...

And, oh, I bought potpourri for a buck. It was infested with little bugs. Hum, a bug is on that leaf. Er, and there. And...when I looked more closely, each piece was alive with tiny bugs and moving. Maybe they realized the air was fresh, because the remainderof the potpourri in the bag seemed quiet. I took action. The potpourri spent 15 minutes in hot tap water. Death by warm drowning. Like the potpourri bugs mind...

Sunday Morning w/ the あわて者, Kokeshi, and NPR

バイトの後진구という映画を見終わった。Brotherhood of Warの法が好きです。BoWも韓国のビデオです。そのビデオの終わりを見ながら泣いてしまった。진구の法はそんなに悲しくないし、ガングと喧嘩のシーンがよくある。BoWは軍のシーンがよくあるけどいいドラマだと思う。So, you should see the second.


So the photo: This kokeshi gets knocked over a lot. I bought her for like 80 yen in a junk shop in Atami (such a beautiful place outside Tokyo). I stayed with a Professor which volunteer taught an English class at OCCUR, ゲイとレズビアンの運動会. Needless to say, Ms. Kokeshi is quite dented, somewhat due to the 地震s but these days from my clumsiness. When I got it, I was like I'll give that to mom, but I actually kept it. Yeh, I'm like that.

So, today, I don't want to sleep anymore. I need to stretch. Or, jog. But, the gym is closed 2,3,4th of July. Annoyance.

昨日、さ、ホストマーザからイメールを貰った。それから、Kは電話した。Kは今朝日本に戻る。うるやましい。僕は八月に日本に行く予定があったがおととい車が壊れてしまった。父は新しい車を買った法がいいアドバイスです。夏休みのバイトをして＄１０００を貯金できた。安い車は＄１００００なのに旅行のお金がない。So, I have to deal with that.

I felt a bit lonely, which is typical these days. I've realized that I've had very few friends. I've never had a best friend, grade school to now. From the few people around me or on even on the aim list, I see them hanging out with this or that person. Granted, I might meet up with Morgan or Jeff or call someone infrequently, I lack a "regular" friend...or sidekick...or confidant. So, why? I am sporadic, emailing or replying infrequently. I am passive, not suggesting that we hang out, rather waiting to be asked. I avoid crowds and bars, a scene that I don't really like. それ以上、毎週４０～５０時間ぐらいバイトをして科学の授業を受けている。大変。Time to get out Friends-R-Us and order someone. （笑）

Just before work...

I'm watching Chingu (Friends), a Korean movie. It looks pretty good so far, a bunch of guys growing up. Of course, it's subtitled in English. One of these days, say when I get lots of time, I'll work on learning Korean.

How do we group ourselves into friends and what does that bring to our lives?

Anyway, I need to review and learn more Japanese. I miss being in Tokyo...

Time for a shower, then work, Wal-Mart. Sigh.